Popping My Cherry

I have always viewed life as a series of changes and acceptance of changes: embryo to fetus to infant, child to adolescent to adult, dependence to independence and back around to dependence. In my day to day life I work as a physician, and think of myself as an expert in guiding and nurturing people through the changing abilities and limitations of their bodies. It wasn’t until meeting Lady Sokha that I became comfortable adjusting to and accepting the realities of my sexuality.  

Initially, I came to Lady Sokha calling myself a looner, a term assigned to me by the internet for being aroused by seeing women around balloons. I applied to become a client of hers, explaining that I had only ever explored this kink through the internet and wanted a safe place to do it in person. I did not tell her that I was also suffering from a porn addiction, was being encouraged to repress my kink from the only person I had trusted to tell about it, and experienced constant dread from fear of discovery and subsequent rejection by my friends and family.  

On the first day of our scheduled two day session, I arrived at Lady Sokha's incall. I had incorrectly followed her directions for parking and was a few minutes late. I expected a stern punishment on arriving (I had scheduled the session calling myself a sub because I didn’t know anything else to identify as), but was surprised with compassion. This would be a theme for all of my time with her. She invited me into her space, immediately embraced me, and told me I was safe. I believed her.  

I had sent her a variety of different balloons and vague notions of what to do with them ahead of the session, going only off of my experiences with porn and what visually stimulated me. Some balloons were already inflated and scattered around her incall location, and others were uninflated and waiting for me per my recommendations to her. Lady Sokha sat me down, asked me about my emotional state, and when we were ready she began my sub training.  

I was escorted into the bedroom, bound, and Lady Sokha proceeded to destroy the new toys I had sent her. I want to leave some specifics to the imagination, but in one 3 hour session we covered every fantasy I had come up with in my initial application. Aside from an intense and visceral physical reaction to a full body version of what had only previously been a visual experience, I felt a sense of extreme relief after our first session. What had only existed in my mind for over a decade was now finally made real. With my subconscious desires laid bare before Lady Sokha, I was finally ready to sublimate my shame and fear into growth.  

Following our first play session, we had lunch and really got to know one another. I told Lady Sokha about a lot of my motivations for seeing her, and she told me that she was actually nervous to see me in a different way. Like me, she had spent most of her life afraid of balloons. She had always wanted to interact with her fears in a play session, but had never gotten around to it. Wanting to share something in turn, I told her about my porn addiction and deeply guarded fears about close ones finding out about my kink. After that we were able to both use the rest of the sessions for personal growth.  

The rest of our two days together went wonderfully. Everything we did was truly playful, and I felt like I was opening up to and exploring with a close and trusted friend who had the skills of a seasoned professional Dominatrix. Lady Sokha and I explored but did not exhaust balloon play, and she opened my mind to many kinks I had not even thought of or considered before our time together. I felt like a new person at the time of our farewell.  

Revisiting my time with Lady Sokha days later, I have come away with more revelations than I can fit here. First, and maybe most important to readers of this writing: balloon play is extremely fun, and Lady Sokha is an absolute natural.  

As a domme and sadist, I saw her taking immense pleasure from my fear of balloons and anticipation of them popping. As a kinky person and people pleaser, it was immensely satisfying for me to be with someone who enjoyed what my kink offered while still getting to live out my fantasies. I have many insecurities about my body and ability to perform sexually, and helping Lady Sokha orgasm while exploring my kink did wonders for my self esteem.  

For non looners reading this writing, I felt more fear and anticipation around Lady Sokha popping balloons than I did when she inflicted physical pain on me. From the sounds they make when rubbed, the sensation of them between two people, and the noise and fear of being hit when they pop, I found balloons to be a more intense emotional experience than the other forms of play I tried over my sessions with Lady Sokha.  

Second, and more important to me: Lady Sokha changed my life. Before seeing her, I was stuck in a cycle of desiring my kink, repressing it, and buying porn as a compromise with a side of myself I didn’t view as appropriate. I have been in therapy for a year, and while accepting of my kink my therapist recommended repressing any expression of it outside of a monogamous marriage. I considered initially cancelling my sessions with Lady Sokha as my therapist described it as an escalation of my porn addiction that I would never come back from. I am glad I didn’t, especially because I have been single for many years now. If I had listened to my therapist, who knows how long it would have been before I had a chance to explore this kink. 

 I have not bought any porn since my time with Lady Sokha and have no intention or even desire to. I do not have a compulsion to see any other providers either, and may not even see Lady Sokha for a session again. My time with her turned out to be what I had secretly hoped for it to be from the beginning: connection with a human understanding and accepting of every part of me. I feel like an entire person, and the cycles of intrusive thoughts that plagued me before my sessions have dissipated.  

If you have a kink or desire that causes you great shame, there are better ways to process it than through porn, repression, and shallow connections on the internet. There are likely many people in the world that accept and celebrate you, and professionals like Lady Sokha who know the healing value of their work. After my experience of seeing Lady Sokha, above all I finally know who I am.  

-A Kinky Motherfucker