Heartbreak

Tonight I’m sitting with a very particular kind of heartbreak. The kind that aches because something was and or is real, tender, and powerful… and still not quite right for the journey I desire ahead.

Loving as a Domme is its own kind of devotion. It’s presence, intention, responsibility and care. It was probably the least selfish I have ever been in a relationship. What a gift it was to choose to love from this place...And loving a submissive...my toilet slave...my pet..my wife...who gave me his heart so openly and fiercely was a gift I never took lightly... 

I still don't. 

There was nothing toxic, nothing dramatic (some ruptures here and there as to be expected in a long term relationship)—just two people who loved each other deeply trying to build a dynamic that ultimately wasn’t a true fit for either of us.

I’m proud of myself for seeing that.

I’m proud that I chose myself, my truth, my high standards, and my long-term alignment instead of settling for a version of partnership that didn’t fully support who I am now and in a D/s relationship. I’m proud that I didn’t stay just because it was “good enough,” or because the love was real, or because it hurt to imagine letting go of what I/we hoped we could become. 

I’m proud that I gave my whole heart—fully, consciously, generously. And I’m proud that I also knew when it was time to transition, even though it’s painful and my chest still tightens when I think about the future I had imagined with him.

This heartache… oh this heartache.. It's so deep and I think I'll feel this one for a lifetime. I'm more than okay with that. I’m embracing it. Letting it move through me instead of resisting it.. even finding little moments of pleasure and gratitude from the pain...Because I do know that grief only exists where love once lived...still lives... will always live. And I’m grateful—grateful that I got to feel something so rich, transformative and sincere. Grateful for the tenderness, the connection, the trust... the memories.. the laughter, silliness, debauchery... Grateful for all the moments I fell in love with him over and over again, even now as I reminisce on our lived experiences together. Gosh he's such a diva and hot wife!! Lol!! So many things about him where I couldn't help but look at him in some kind of way. Grateful for the things that simply made us, US!! Grateful that even now, as things shift, the love itself doesn’t become any less real.

I’m grieving what I thought we were going to have… and I’m honoring who I am by letting go.

And that, in its own way, is the most loving thing I could’ve done for both of us.

You will always be my majestic puma when I imagine you looking out into the world from the top of a mountain and when you're down on all fours. 

I love you!